బతికేద్దాం... ఈ జీవితకాలం

ఆకలి కేకల మనుషుల బతుకులు ఎప్పటికప్పుడు వినిపిస్తున్నా ఎందుకులే అని రాజకీయ నాయకుల విన్యాసాలకి వదిలేసా. మనుషులమని మరిచిపోయి మహారాణులమని అనుకుని బతికే ఇంతులు బంతిలా ఎగురవేసినా, పెంపుడు జంతువులా నటించడం చేతకాదని అటు చూడడమే మానేశా.  తీరా చూస్తే నే పరిగెత్తి పరిగెత్తి పట్టుకుందామని వెతికిన జీవిత పరమార్ధం భూటకం అని తేలిపోయింది. కాని మెలుకువ వచ్చేసరికి మొత్తం అయిపోయింది. వెనక్కి వెళ్ళలేను. ముందుకి వెళ్లినా దారి మారలేను.

సాయం చేసేవాడికి ద్రోహం చేసే ఏకైక జంతువుగా పుట్టి, విశ్వం మొత్తం తన కోసేమే సృష్టించబడిందనుకుని ఒక విశ్వకర్తనే  సృష్టించిన మనుషులం మనం! మృగాలకన్నా హీనంగా బతకగలం; మనం సృష్టించిన దేవుడికన్నా ఉన్నతంగాను ఉండగలం. ఉన్నాడో లేడో తెలియని వాడికోసం ఒకరినొకరు హింసించుకోగలం! ఈ వేదాంతాల ఎగువ దిగువలు, ఎత్తు పల్లాలు అన్నింటికి  నా జీవితంలోని అతి ముఖ్యమైన ఒక రెండు దశాబ్దాలు తగలబెట్టాను.

మరి మన తక్షణ కర్తవ్యం? దక్షిణంలో కన్యాకుమారి; ఉత్తరంలో హిమాలయం; పక్కనున్న పాకిస్తాన్, ఇక్కడున్న కంచరపాలెం; ఏదైతేనేం తిరగాల్సిన చోటులు చాలానే ఉన్నాయి. Feynman రాసిన Physics పుస్తకాలు; అల్లసాని వారి అల్లికలు; రవీంద్రనాధుడి కథలు - కవితలు.  చదవాల్సిన పుస్తకాలు చాలానే ఉన్నాయి. గుండె లోపలనే దాచిన పుండులు ఎండలో పెట్టి కాస్త ఊరట పొందడానికి వ్రాయాల్సిన విషయాలు చాలానే ఉన్నాయి. ప్రస్తుతానికి lazyగా రోజులు లెక్క పెడుతున్నా కదా అని తీసిపారేయొద్దు. బద్దకంతో బుద్దిగా బొద్దుగా పోరాడుతున్న పరమ వీరుడిని నేను. పక్కనున్న వాళ్లంతా బాగుపడ్డారని తెలిసిన పోటీ పడి బతకడం ఇష్టంలేక పక్కకి తప్పుకున్న ఉదాత్త గుణ శీలుడు నేను. కధలు చెబుతానో లేదో తెలీదు. కలలు కంటున్నానో లేదు తెలీదు. కాని నే కట్టుకున్న గాజు మేడలు పగులగొట్టాలంటే ఒక రాయి కావలి. కానీ ఆ రాయి వెతికుదామంటే బద్దకం బజ్జోమంది. అందుకే ఇలా ఈ ఉపోద్ఘాతం.                 

The Failure Story

I know that I have been a failure in Life. No one needs to remind me that. No one needs to show sympathy for that. It hurts to be a failure. Especially, when all that you adored and built with your whatever integrity you could muster at every stage of your life is destroyed. Especially, when you valued your character the most and aspersions have been cast on it irreparably. To build a character, it takes a life time. To smear it and destroy, it hardly takes any time. And to those whom you cared for, it is even more easy to destroy you.

To the outside world, I am always a helping person, a lovable company and a jovial and friendly person. An unassuming and a simpleton. And a straightforward and plain guy. These have been my biggest strengths; and biggest weaknesses. Add to that my laziness and inferiority complex - enough to give me failure for a prolonged period of Life. The last success I have seen in Life was in 2008. After that, it has been only failures in Life.

Why am I still around? A question I keep asking myself once in a while. One answer is pure laziness. Second answer is my good fortune to be able to adjust to reality and bear with the intense surge of pains of failure. I have got used to it. It hurts deeply at times but I have tried to create ways to numb it down and also, see value for myself in this country where human resources are being wasted like crazy. So, I know that despite being a failure to myself, I am still way better off than a lot of people and therefore my contributions are still relevant. This hope keeps me going. Remaining everything else seems to be a farce - except of course the simple things that I deeply enjoy. BTW, just because some things are simple and/or easily available one must never ignore their beauty and/or importance. Those are the only things that give value to Life. Banality after all is not a bane. This is my Failure story.

పుట్టిన రోజు

ఎనిమిది వందల కోట్ల జనం  మూడు వందల అరవై రోజుల్ని పంచుకుంటే ఒక్కరి వాటా ఎంత?
 కానీ అదేదో ప్రత్యేకమైన రోజని ప్రంపంచాన్ని ఉద్దరించడానికి బయలు దేరానని ప్రతీ వాడు అనుకోవడం
చిన్నపుడు ఎవ్వరూ నా పుట్టిన రోజు  గుర్తించలేదు అని తెగ ఏడ్చేవాడిని.
ఇప్పుడు ప్రతి వాడు గుర్తుపెట్టుకొనే అవసరం లేకుండానే పలకరించేస్తున్నారు - అంతా విగణిత, అంతర్జాలల  మహిమ.
మూడు పదుల మూడు ఒకట్లకు చేరాను. ప్రతీ ఏడూ వయసు పెరుగుతోందని బాధ తప్ప గొప్పగా చెప్పుకోవాడానికి జీవితంలో ఏమీ పీకలేదు.
పోనీ ఉన్న జీవతమైన బాగు చేసుకున్నానా అంటే అదీ లేదు. జీవితం అంతా సంకనాకించేశాను.

కానీ జీవితం సంకనాకి పొతే కొన్ని; కాదు కాదు చాలా ఉపోయోగాలు ఉన్నయండోయ్! ఎవ్వడికి జవాబు చెప్పాల్సిన పని లేదు. ఎలాగో అడుగుకి చేరిపోయాంగాబట్టి భయం, దిగులు లేవు. ఏదైనా సాదించగలమేమో అని ఒక చిన్న ఆశ. ఆ ఆశ లేనిదే జీవితం లేదు అన్న ఒక చిన్న realization. ఇది వరకు నా అంచనాలకు, అభిలాషలకు, ఆలోచనలకు -  వాటికి నే పెట్టుకున్న గీటురాయిలకు నేనే బానిసగా బ్రతికాను. ఆకలి రాజ్యం చిత్రంలో కమల్ హాసన్ అన్నట్టు, "ఎలాగైనా బ్రతికేద్దాం అనుకుంటే ఎలాగోలా బ్రతికేద్దును. కానీ ఇలాగే బ్రతకాలని అనుకోని" జీవితాన్ని దొబెట్టాను. ఇప్పుడా భయం లేదు. నేను నాకు కూడా జవాబు దారి కాదు!

పొద్దున్న లేస్తే పొట్టకూటికోసం పరిగెత్తి పరిగెత్తి అలసిపోయాను. పగటి కలలు కంటూ ఇంత కాలం వదిలేసిన క్షణాలకి విలువ ఉందో  లేదో కూడా తెలీదు. కానీ ఒకటి మాత్రం నిజం. ఇప్పుడిప్పుడు జీవితం మళ్ళీ మొదలవుతోంది. ఇప్పటి దాకా ఒక లెక్క. ఇప్పటినించి ఇంకో లెక్క. ఇంకో అధ్యాయం మొదలైంది.  ఈ దశాబ్దం అయ్యాక మళ్ళీ చరిమిత చరణం చేసుకుందాం. అంతవరకూ శెలవు.   

P.S: Exactly eight years ago, I wrote a blogpost(titled Silver Jubilee) on my 25th birthday bookmarking my life till then. This post is the next bookmark.

Why Bahubali gets only 8/10 from me

Note: Views expressed are purely my personal.

The film Mayabazar captivates me so much every time I watch it,  I even fool myself thinking that Telugu film industry started with that movie. Films like Mayabazar, Patala Bhairavi, Keelugurram, Dana Veera Soora Karna are so good that they have stood the test of time. Yes, standing the test of time is what differentiates a classic from a block buster. The day prior to release of Bahubali, I was warming up myself for the movie with SVRs introduction scene in Mayabazar which is my favourite. All this because, I expected Bahubali to be another Mayabazar. Unfortunately, it fell short of that. When die hard fans start believing in a director more than himself, this is what happens. If he could achieve 100, we were thinking he is going to achieve 200. Yes, I give Bahubali 8/10 not because Rajamouli didn't deliver but because I expected more than what he could deliver.

So, does that mean I will not watch it again? No, I will certainly go for the movie one more time. So, does that mean I am going to expect less from Rajamouli for the next film. No, I would eagerly wait for Rajamouli's dream project - Mahabaratam. Who knows, it may reach Mayabazar's stature or may even push it to second place and occupy the first place. 

So, what did Bahubali do finally? Firstly, it burst the myth to the world outside India that Bollywood is synonym for Indian cinema. Secondly, it does great service to both Telugu speaking states amongst whose people politicians have been trying to create rift in their dangerous political battle. Thirdly, it once again proves that by sheer hard work and self-confidence a person can achieve great heights.


Edit/P.S: I was watching this interview of Prabhas and Rana in ETV only a few days back. At one point Prabhas(or Rana I don't remember exactly) was comparing the tremors created by Bahubali with that of the film Siva. I am sorry to say but Bahubali is way more than films like Siva. Siva is a midget at best when compared to Mayabazar. If I were to draw a slightly different parallel, the film Manam scores 5/5, in my humble opinion, when compared with classics like Gundamma Katha. Also, please note that I rate Bahubali 8/10 and not 4/5(or 4.5/5) whereas I would give Manam 5/5.

Self Denigration

Last six years of my life have been filled with self-denigration during considerable chunk of my solitude and those innumerable moments when I live with myself. There were some brief periods when I went into the folds of self-pity too. I think I did manage to escape that somehow, lest it would have been a bigger disaster.

There were/are countless moments when I wrote in my diary and typed on the computer, one of Sir Winston Churchill's quote, "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts"

True, every person when compared to a higher achiever or more successful person look smaller in stature and persona, so where to draw the line?

There have been long periods, when few people around me rattled me both in my professional and personal lives, even when I came to peace with myself and my capabilities. This has been particularly a source of discomfort and motivator too. Among all things, I personally believe that I do have positive attitude towards life in general, though I am highly volatile, complacent, laid back and over a period of time become less ambitious.

While I would certainly not give myself a distinction, I can certainly not agree that I don't deserve the pass mark. Two years ago,  I wrote a poem in Telugu about Failure(ఓటమి) and it seems to have become as much inspiration to me as the Churchill's quote.

Back to Pen and Paper

Laziness and procrastination are the most pervasive and destructive entities that have hurt my evolution as an individual. Countless thoughts have gone uncrystallized as sentences because of these two devils that got themselves permeated in my existence. Over a period of time, like many of us, I lost the habit of using pen and paper. As a result, I lost lot of occasions to capture my unsaddled thoughts, especially when I travel. Travel has always inspired me to introspect and write but unfortunately I wouldn't take the computer and type them out. So, after long periods of deliberation, I have decided to go back to old school - pen and paper. This gives me an added advantage to edit my sentences before I publish them on my blog.

Why I love Dr. JP - Part I

Back to the days when I was a small kid. I used to see this ad once in a while.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYgfmcwl14o

I was so small I could not understand what Nagarjuna was saying except the word 'Loksatta' in the end.

I am a great lover of folklore and socio-fantasy movies. As a child I used to die for them. Every Saturday, the night show in ETV would be of this genre. But before the show, there was a half an hour program called 'Prathidwani' The biggest challenge in my life was to not go into sleep during this half an hour. I knew that once the movie starts, I would not get sleep. Invariably, I used to go into sleep watching this boring show. There was one person standing and asking questions to some experts and the audience as well. I used to wonder, who this standing man 'Jayaprakash Narayan' was. I only remember watching one show which I could understand a little, that was related to children's studies. This show still runs in ETV2, albeit in a modified form. Today when Aamir Khan conducts 'Satyameva Jayate' millions watch it and praise him. But a show on public debate nearly 20 yrs ago when there was only one Telugu channel apart from the state sponsored Doordarshan is no small thing in my opinion.

Fast Forward to the days after I started working as a individual. I spent all my formative years, as a student, in a place that is far more perfect than the world I live in today. It advocated that it is the society's combined responsibility to provide education and health care to one and all.We had dignity of labour; caste and language barriers made no sense to us. We were taught in class and through practical living, to believe in brotherhood of Man and fatherhood of God. But, when I passed out of my college, I saw a world markedly different from where I studied. A churning process started within me and numerous questions started haunting me. I thought these questions had no answers, these problems no solutions. Then I heard this man JP once again. And, he had the solutions to most of the problems that haunted me. However, there seems to be a different problem haunting this man; the public not getting convinced of his solutions.

To be continued ...

My Favourite Directors - I

Why I am an ac of Sekhar Kammula:

1. Because, he was the first director in Tollywood in recent times to have successfully combined commercial success with clean entertainment.
2. Because, his female leads' reel makeup is lesser than even their real makeup.
3. Because, it is always his female lead who proposes to the hero.
4. Because, his female leads are exactly the way I would want my life partner to be. (Actually I hate him too for this - because I can never get such a life partner)
5. Because, his protaganists are incapable of breaking other people's bones.
6. Because, his antagonists are more well behaved with women than protagonists of one so called star director of Tollywood, who finishes a film in 3-4 months.
7. Because, he doesn't contradict his own fundamental theme, unlike one exceptionally good dialogue writer turned director of Tollywood.
8. Because, his one and only item song so far, couldn't go past a Qawwali style melody. 
9. Because, he is incapable of making holes in his script to comply with commercial formulas.
10. Because, he radiates so much of optimism through the children (and others too) in his films, at a time when media(telecast especially) wants to lead people from skepticism to cynicism.
11. Because, his films reflect the wonderful human being that he is.
12. Because, he is this generation's answer to the likes of Bapu-Ramana.

My Short Liners - III

1. If it's time to part ways, let it be so;
   for to truly love is to know when to let go.
2. Learning is easy. It takes courage and energy to un-learn 
3. Life may win all the battles, if it chooses to, but the war belongs to Death.
4. An infinitesimal candle is more powerful than the infinite darkness 
5. Fast numbers are like impulses, but melodies are monotonically increasing functions 
6. We don't have to be altruists; it is enough if we are not predators. 
7. Two things that never let you sleep peacefully: Uncommon goal that blanks your mind and Common cold that blocks your nose.
8. When you can't fathom your goal; keep treading the paths that you relish - and hopefully the path leads to the goal; Or what's better the realization that journey is only the destination.
9. Let Success not make me arrogant and failure diffident
10. The only book that makes people lazy - Facebook

My Short Liners - II

1. Pain is the mother of humour; not affluence.
2. Hope - The only main course for one billion people; the only dessert for another billion and half.
3. The most misrepresented entity by films and mass media - Love.
4. Love and Knowledge have a peculiar quality; they multiply when given and diminish when withheld.
5. Positive Frustration leads to Innovation.
6. Uncertainty gets fear along with it. But it also brings a reward; Excitement.
7. Concentrate on being good; doing good will be taken care of.
8. There is no such thing as Ctrl + Z in reality.        
9. You can not have smoke without fire. If you see the smoke and not the fire, it only means that you don't know where the fire is located.
10. What runs this world? Love Or Money? Or Love for Money?