The profile icon that I kept winks back at me every time I look at it to seek consolation with the deep desire to see my younger self. The depths of the deep shit I am in, stares right into my face suddenly. The lost years that were so much crucial for my well being which were grossly neglected - just like that; all because I was running after a mirage. The one thing that makes so much difference in Life (other than self-esteem) seems to have been lost and I stare at a future where I may never ever get it. Probably, I never had it in the first place. Yet here I am self-critical and self-contented.
Accepting oneself is the biggest achievement one can have. Only then can one can explore himself/herself to the farthest corners possible. When I had worldly success to a moderate level, I was not happy with my abysmal performance; I was under the constant self-propulsion that I had a lot more potential than I exhibited to the world. I blamed myself for my laziness, my contextual settings, my silly decisions and my fickle mind which had too many interests(distractions) to pursue. It did not focus on what was relevant and I was angry at it. Here I am today, completely broken down in the worldly sense and wading my time because I have nothing else to do. I am constantly nagged by intense surges of pain. Yet, surprisingly to me, I am at my happiest self. I have learnt(or may be am still learning) to accept myself - with all frailties, faults mistakes and sins. It is a liberating experience.
True, I am growing a beard in vain hope that I may look younger. True, I have stopped tucking my shirt long back lest some one finds out how ugly my tummy is. The realization that I have lost the golden years when I was supposed to explore Life in a certain way and I never even had thoughts of doing that in my formative years will haunt me forever. True, Life is lived forwards and understood backwards yet you get only one chance. Yes! only one chance. The (Indian) theory which says you will be re-born is just rationalization to handle collective pain that comes from Humans not yet figuring out how to invert the time arrow or travel backward.
When reality strikes you it is crippling. Yet it is best to be crippled in the short run and learn to walk slowly without crutches for the long run. Here I am, self-critical and self-contented! After having accepted myself and having seen the biggest trough in my Life so far of 33 years, I can only see upward. Not because I am an eternal optimist but because I have exhausted examining the list of possible outcomes for now. Or probably not just because I am an eternal optimist but I am also a fighter. I will fight till I die. It is much better to fight and loose than to never having the courage to fight.
Accepting oneself is the biggest achievement one can have. Only then can one can explore himself/herself to the farthest corners possible. When I had worldly success to a moderate level, I was not happy with my abysmal performance; I was under the constant self-propulsion that I had a lot more potential than I exhibited to the world. I blamed myself for my laziness, my contextual settings, my silly decisions and my fickle mind which had too many interests(distractions) to pursue. It did not focus on what was relevant and I was angry at it. Here I am today, completely broken down in the worldly sense and wading my time because I have nothing else to do. I am constantly nagged by intense surges of pain. Yet, surprisingly to me, I am at my happiest self. I have learnt(or may be am still learning) to accept myself - with all frailties, faults mistakes and sins. It is a liberating experience.
True, I am growing a beard in vain hope that I may look younger. True, I have stopped tucking my shirt long back lest some one finds out how ugly my tummy is. The realization that I have lost the golden years when I was supposed to explore Life in a certain way and I never even had thoughts of doing that in my formative years will haunt me forever. True, Life is lived forwards and understood backwards yet you get only one chance. Yes! only one chance. The (Indian) theory which says you will be re-born is just rationalization to handle collective pain that comes from Humans not yet figuring out how to invert the time arrow or travel backward.
When reality strikes you it is crippling. Yet it is best to be crippled in the short run and learn to walk slowly without crutches for the long run. Here I am, self-critical and self-contented! After having accepted myself and having seen the biggest trough in my Life so far of 33 years, I can only see upward. Not because I am an eternal optimist but because I have exhausted examining the list of possible outcomes for now. Or probably not just because I am an eternal optimist but I am also a fighter. I will fight till I die. It is much better to fight and loose than to never having the courage to fight.
