The first blog post that I ever wrote
online was on tumblr (later moved to blogger) was titled
"The Little Boy" It was somewhere during the days of my M.Tech. I was still in college back then; naive, too pure; too innocent; full of ideals. I had given up Physics because I was scared if I did Phd in Physics, I would never be able to return to India and therefore switched to Computer Science. I thought if I stayed in India, I could contribute to this country.
I grew up in a joint family where my brother and I witnessed constant fights among elders and yet the violence couldn't mar my innocence. My father(and others
except my brother) discriminated against me(
in a very very limited sense) because apparently I was not as good at studies as him. Yet, by the time I wrote that blog post, I had long overcome(9 years) the first major challenge of my Life. I worked hard after my 10th class(and in 10th class) to prove to the world that I am good; and
I did it. I could get admission in a college where my brother couldn't get admitted in his 11th. The entire family's viewing of me had changed!
All my formative years were spent in a place where it was filled with good people all around. A semi-gurukul system where boundaries were strictly drawn. The constraints were hard constraints and upfront. The rules were very clear and as long as you stuck to the rules, you had unlimited freedom in that place. And I spent 9 years in that place. I stuck to the rules 95% of the time. Every one else seemed to follow the rules due to various reasons; some followed them willingly; some unwillingly. But, I followed them in true spirit; nay I embraced them. I loved them. I followed them in letter and spirit. But I missed something extremely crucial in Life;
studying the ways of the world.
10+ years in the corporate world. I thought I learnt quite a bit about Life. I thought I chose my values with Love. I thought I chose them because I truly adore those values. But the truth seems to be something else. The truth is that I didn't grow up. I am still a child housed in a 80+ Kg body. I didn't learn from a messy divorce; or shall I say I didn't learn even after a messy divorce. I didn't learn even after living in the corporate world for these many years. I took pride in being able to party with friends without alcohol while I should have been ashamed of it. Ashamed of not having learnt falsehood ; Ashamed of trying to be pure like a child even after my innocence was long lost. What did I think? That the world will believe me for what I am? That the world will respect my purity? The world doesn't seem to work that way. It wants to live in Lies and falsehoods. The world doesn't know how to embrace vulnerability and a person who can embrace his vulnerability is a misfit.
What choice(s) do I have? I really don't know. But it is Ok. The role model I chose in Life was shot. A genius like Einstein said of him, "Generations to come will scarcely believe that such a man ever walked on Earth." He was a failure in many ways. He wanted to be a successful lawyer and failed at it. He was a failed
father; Yet his idealogical adversary titled him, "
Father of the Nation." People like me don't know how to choose role models. I should have chosen hedonism over MKG; facade over Truth. I refused to grow up. And I have paid the price.
