The second grade

"Ha Lakshmana! Ha Sita! Ha Lakshmana! Ha Sita!"
The mimicked voice of Rama reached the ears of Sita and Lakshmana. Sita urged Lakshmana to go and search for Rama as he might be in danger. Lakshmana was reluctant to leave her alone as he was ordered by his brother to ensure her safety in his absence. Moreover, he knew his brother was invincible. But now, his sister-in-law is commanding him to go in search of his brother. She said terrible things which went deep into his heart and unable to bear them, he left the home in search of his brother.

What kind of a person are you Oh Lakshmana? Have you no shame or self-respect asked him an inner voice as he started walking away from the ashramam. First of all, you have no claim to the throne. Then when your brother is asked to go to forest, you accompany him. He has his wife to follow him and you abandon your own wife in the palace shamelessly. What life is yours? Born to serve forever? What are you? A spine less second life? Just because you were born a bit late? When you left everything to serve your brother where you have no stakes whatsoever, did you father shed a single drop of tear for you? He came lamenting on the charriot, crying and shouting - but that was not for you Oh Lakshamana. It was for your brother. You are a third born, second life. Just born to serve. Live like this forever and ever and ever.

"The battle is over Oh Suyodhana!" shouted Bheemasena. "All your army is gone and you are all alone. Now, come and face death!" he gloated with pride.
"Take this blood soaked land and rule forever till your time ends, I don't give a damn." said the Kuru, prince with all the equanimity he could possess. "I ruled it when all my friends, family, kith and kin were with me. I lived life like a king. I was born one and will die one. Who cares for your land? I wanted war and I had it. Why else would I not give even 5 villages when you sent an emissary pleading for peace. My pride is worth a million lives and I will die with my pride intact"

What kind of a person are you Oh Suyodhana! You did everything you could so that you could keep your self-respect in tact. Your best friend had a big claim to throne. Yet when he was offered it, he knocked it away with his left leg because you mattered to him more. What else do you want in Life Oh Suyodhana! You are a true hero. Born as a king, lived life King size and died as a king.

Man in the Mirror

The profile icon that I kept winks back at me every time  I look at it to seek consolation with the deep desire to see my younger self. The depths of the deep shit I am in,  stares right into my face suddenly. The lost years that were so much crucial for my well being which were grossly neglected - just like that; all because I was running after a mirage. The one thing that makes so much difference in Life (other than self-esteem) seems to have been lost and I stare at a future where I may never ever get it. Probably, I never had it in the first place. Yet here I am self-critical and self-contented.

Accepting oneself is the biggest achievement one can have. Only then can one can explore himself/herself to the farthest corners possible. When I had worldly success to a moderate level, I was not happy with my abysmal performance; I was under the constant self-propulsion that  I had a lot more potential than I exhibited to the world. I blamed myself for my laziness, my contextual settings, my silly decisions and my fickle mind which had too many interests(distractions) to pursue. It did not focus on what was relevant and I was angry at it. Here I am today, completely broken down in the worldly sense and wading my time because I have nothing else to do. I am constantly nagged by intense surges of pain. Yet, surprisingly to me, I am at my happiest self. I have learnt(or may be am still learning) to accept myself - with all frailties, faults mistakes and sins. It is a liberating experience.

True, I am growing a beard in vain hope that I may look younger. True, I have stopped tucking my shirt long back lest some one finds out how ugly my tummy is. The realization that I have lost the golden years when I was supposed to explore Life in a certain way and I never even had thoughts of doing that in my formative years will haunt me forever. True, Life is lived forwards and understood backwards yet you get only one chance. Yes! only one chance. The (Indian) theory which says you will be re-born is just rationalization to handle collective pain that comes from Humans not yet figuring out how to invert the time arrow or travel backward.

When reality strikes you it is crippling. Yet it is best to be crippled in the short run and learn to walk slowly without crutches for the long run. Here I am, self-critical and self-contented! After having accepted myself and having seen the biggest trough in my Life so far  of 33 years, I can only see upward. Not because I am an eternal optimist but because I have exhausted examining the list of possible outcomes for now.  Or probably not just because I am an eternal optimist but I am also a fighter. I will fight till I die. It is much better to fight and loose than to never having the courage to fight.