Breaking Bad

 Watching a series that started in 2008 in 2020 and writing about seems too late. But I am only following the path of the protagonist of the series who finally arrives after he is 50 and is about die (of cancer) As a friend indicated the series did get more interesting as seasons went by. I liked Season 4 and Season 5 in particular. It is as though all knots were slowly undone in Season 5 for me.

If there is only one scene that I am allowed to pick and keep to integrate into me then that would be this: Walt is living secluded after his name change and with almost no human contact. He requests Ed Galbraith to stay for 2 more hours and is willing to pay him 10,000 dollars and gets 1 hour of playing cards for that money. But then there are many more scenes which are worth going through again in the entire series. For instance, this one: Hank Schrader is on the other end of the gun, wounded and it is only a matter of minutes before death will break the doors of his house. Walt is pleading the owner of the gun and is willing to pawn all that he earned in lieu of Hank's life. Hank chides Walt by saying that "You are the smartest man I have ever met in my Life but right now you are too stupid to see that he made up his mind 10 minutes ago."

Unlike House of cards where the protagonists get away with everything they do, Breaking Bad ensures that their protagonists get back for everything that they do/did.  However, the real world is much more complex than the world of fiction. For instance, Walter doesn't allow Bogdan to take with him the dollar bill he has kept in his car wash as memento. Instead, he breaks it and uses that money to buy a drink from the vending machine as a revenge.  Bogdan was harsh(disrespectful actually) with Walt when the later worked for him. Does that mean that the car wash was not critical to Walt in paying his bills when he needed money the most?

House of cards

 I just concluded a month long vacation (got lucky with that) which I initially intended to use as a micro sabbatical. But anyone who knows my obsession with procrastination can decipher that I just completed it in the blink of an eye day dreaming. But I successfully concluded my vacation with binge watching House of Cards (after a close friend recommended it multiple times on different occasions) 

Anyone who has a philosophy in Life that self-interest at any price is the ultimate value will adore the two protagonists in a series that begins with killing a dog and ends with killing Doug. Kevin Spacey's acting was brilliant though. Claire Underwood reminded me time and again of Cersei from GOT. I was desperate to see if Heather Dunbar would make it to the top job and was disappointed that she couldn't make it. The other characters which I really liked are Adam Galloway and Tom Hammerschmidt. I thought I would become fan of Tom Yates by the end of the season but then he lost his charm. I really like the actors who played Tom Yates and Mark Usher. I think they pulled it off brilliant. The only guy whom I loved watching getting destroyed was William Conway. 

There is an assassination attempt on the president and he needs a liver transplant. His chief of staff asks the doctors why they are not doing it yet. He is told that the President is on Status 3 and they will start it as soon as he reaches Status 1. Why? Because it is the law. Doug ends up breaking the law to bump him up from Stauts 2 to Status 1. That scene is so sobering and tells  how much we in India need to mature as democracy. But then what hope does a society which is drenched in feudalistic mind set have?

Going back to the philosophy espoused by the protagonists that there is no justice but only conquests, I would only caution someone to watch Bad Boy Billionaires documentary series in Netflix after watching House of cards just to sober you up. If you don't believe me, go to the scene where Freddie and his grandson visit the white house. The president lets Freddie's grandson sit on his chair and tells him that he too can become president when he grows up if he studies well. Later on as they are leaving the white house Freddie educates his grandson  by saying that it is good to  have dreams but we must not let them turn into fantasies.

Compilation of all the books I have read

Edit/Note:Am keeping this list dynamic and updating it as time goes by.

As the Sunday morning Curfew begins, I thought I should make a list of all the books I read cover to cover.  I mean at least those I remember. 

English - Fiction

1. The Trojan War (Abridged version of Illiad)
2. Great Expectations (Abridged)
3. The Hound of Baskerville  
4. The Adventures of Huckleberyy Finn (Abridged)
5. Gulliver's Travel (Abridged)
6. Harry Potter and The philosopher's stone
7. Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets
8. Harry Potter and The Prizoner of Azkabhan
9. Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire
10. Harry Potter and The Order of Phoenix
11. Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince
12. Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows
13. Sphere 
14. The Andromeda Strain
15. Rage of Angels
16. The other side of the midnight
17. Memories of Midnight
18. The sky is falling
19. Tell me your dreams
20. The Doomsday Conspiracy
21. If Tomorrow comes
22. The Hammer of Eden
23. The Third Twin
24. The God Father
25. The Fountain Head
26. The White Tiger
27. Midnight's children
28. Swami and Friends
29. The Time Machine 
30. The Robe
31. The Little Prince
32. Love story
33. Jonathan Livngston Sea Gull
34. Who moved my cheese
35. Siddartha
36. The Old man and the Sea
37. Many Lives Many Masters
38. Living with the Himalyan Masters
39. The Prophet
40. Geetanjali
41. One Minute Wisdom
42. One Minute Nonsense
43. The Prayer of the Frog - I
44. The Prayer of the Frog - II
45. The Song of the Bird
46. The Post Office 
47. The Alchemist
48. Five Point Someone
49. One Night at the Call Center
50. Three Mistakes of my Life
51. The Bible (one of the abridged versions)
52. Angels and Demons
53. The Da Vinci Code
54. Code to Zero
55. The Five Dysfunctions of a Team (audible) 
56. The Palace of Illusions (audible)

English - Fiction - Short Stories

1. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (Collection)
2. The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes (Collection)
3. An Astrologer's Day
4. Few short stories of Tagore (The Cabuliwallah, The Trust Property etc...) 
5. Few short stories of Chekov (The Bet, Swan Song etc...)
6. Few short stories of Tolstoy (God Sees the Truth but waits etc..)
7. Few short stories of Dostoevsky 
8. Few short stories from Chicken Soup for the Soul book series

English - Non-fiction

1. Wings of Fire
2. Go Kiss the World
3. Surely, You're joking Mr. Feynman
4. What do you care what other people think
5. Man The Unknown
6. Imagining India
7. The Difficulty of Being Good
8. Are You getting the Love you Want
9. A Brief History of Time
10. Stray Birds
11. The bed of Procrustes
12. Sapiens
13. The Story of My Experiments with Truth
14. India after Gandhi
15. Freedom at Midnight
16. India Grows at Night
17. Fooled by Randomness (Audible)
18. Hind Swaraj
19. Rich Dad Poor Dad
20. Inspite of the Gods
21. QED: The Strange Theory of Light and Matter
22. The Subtle Art of Not giving a F*ck
23. Tuesdays with Morrie
24. The Accidental Prime Minister
25. The Impact of Science on Society

 తెలుగు (Telugu)

1. మహాప్రస్థానం 
2. అమృతం కురిసిన రాత్రి 
3. బారిష్టర్ పార్వతీశం 
4. కన్యాశుల్కం (యధాతధము)
5. అపూర్వ చింతామణి కథ 
6.  వెన్నెల్లో ఆడపిల్ల 
7. మరణ మృదంగం 
8. మిథునం (చిన్న కధల సంకలనం)
9. రమణీయం 
10. రామ్ @ శృతి డాట్ కామ్ 
11. కొన్ని చలం కధలు 

Compilation of the best compliments

As the world seems to lock itself down in the wake of Corona, I thought of utilizing some of the extra time available time by cleaning up my room and if the trend continues will try my hand at cooking.

Meanwhile, I thought of writing something positive on my blog page after having filled it with a lot of rant in the last few years (my poetry page to seem to have got filled with too much rant) So, I will enumerate few of the best compliments I received in my Life which I remember.

1. During my school days, a dear friend and I used to compete heavily in our favourite subject - Mathematics. We used to finish proofs and problems ahead of classes and even the Tuition classes (which themselves are supposed to be ahead of school classes). My Tuition teacher used to be impressed with my questioning capabilities in school. I still remember one of the question I asked him regarding Earth's revolving around Sun much ahead of getting introduced to the words Centripetal and Centrifugal forces. He would often call my friend, 'Marie Curie' and me 'Aristotle'. A nice childhood memory. When I look back now, I have met so many people far more intelligent and far far more talented than me. The compliment is a hyperbole of an hyperbole, but it leaves a really really good taste when I think of it.

2. The bachelor's degree I obtained was an honours course. We had Maths, Physics and Chemistry and we were supposed to major in one of the subject from third year onwards. In my fourth semester, one of the Maths paper we had was advanced Real Analysis. The professor was quite impressed with my ability to write different kind of proofs. After evaluating the mid-semester exams, looking at my paper, he told me, "You fellow! You should never give up Maths!" And when I ended up taking physics and he came to know of it, he exclaimed in Telugu, " కొంప ముంచావు కదరా !" which meant that I made a disaster.

3. It was the second year of my first job. A team of almost 15-20 people were to travel to Noida to receive Knowledge Transfer for a bunch of projects our Team was taking over from a different company. Two of us accompanied our admin specialist couple of days ahead to ensure everything was set and others would not face any hurdles during the travel. That was the first time the admin colleague of mine interacted with me closely and he gave me a beautiful compliment.  It goes, "I am a person who ensures that everyone notices my presence but you are a person who makes everyone notice your absence."

4. Another dear friend of mine and I were in his car recently. May be a year ago. I had learnt so much about Life from him and was casually expressing that admiration to him. I told him that he was one of a kind among all the friends I have. He spontaneously responded, "There will be lot of people like me Sasi! It is people like you who are rare." This is one of the best compliments I have ever received in Life.

5. A colleague of mine exclaimed recently, " You are like Israel. You expose only your weakness but never expose your strengths." It was a really nice compliment.

There are a few other compliments which I have received which were very humbling at the point of time I received. But, I have chosen not to include them here intentionally.

Some basic stuff

A very good friend of mine accuses of me studying things superficially. But I think I prefer to stick basics first. So here are some basic stuff which I think people need to keep in mind:

1. Confidence is not the same as Competence
2. Humility is not the same as Weakness
3. Non-violence is not the same as Cowardice
4. Correlation is not the same as Causation
5. Solitude is not the same as Loneliness
6. Cause is not the same as Purpose (flicked from a friend)
7. Theological God is not the same as Natural God (not exactly flicked but...)
8. Scientist is not the same as Science
9. Risk is not the same as the perception of Risk
10. Lack of opportunity should not be construed as a choice made.
11. Unknown is not the same as Unknowable(flicked...)
12. Love is not the same as attachment. (Directly from Swami Vivekananda)
13. Detachment is not the same as indifference. (Again SV)
14. Knowing the name of something is not the same as knowing something. (Richard Feynman)

The boy who couldn't grow up

The first blog post that I ever wrote online was on tumblr (later moved to blogger) was titled "The Little Boy" It was somewhere during the days of my M.Tech. I was still in college back then; naive, too pure; too innocent; full of ideals. I had given up Physics because I was scared if I did Phd in Physics, I would never be able to return to India and therefore switched to Computer Science. I thought if I stayed in India, I could contribute to this country.

I grew up in a joint family where my brother and I witnessed constant fights among elders and yet the violence couldn't mar my innocence. My father(and others except my brother) discriminated against me(in a very very limited sense) because apparently I was not as good at studies as him. Yet, by the time I wrote that blog post, I had long overcome(9 years) the first major challenge of my Life. I worked hard after my 10th class(and in 10th class) to prove to the world that I am good; and I did it. I could get admission in a college where my brother couldn't get admitted in his 11th. The entire family's viewing of me had changed!

All my formative years were spent in a place where it was filled with good people all around. A semi-gurukul system where boundaries were strictly drawn. The constraints were hard constraints and upfront. The rules were very clear and as long as you stuck to the rules, you had unlimited freedom in that place. And I spent 9 years in that place. I stuck to the rules 95% of the time. Every one else seemed to follow the rules due to various reasons; some followed them willingly; some unwillingly. But, I followed them in true spirit; nay I embraced them. I loved them. I followed them in letter and spirit. But I missed something extremely crucial in Life; studying the ways of the world.

10+ years in the corporate world. I thought I learnt quite a bit about Life. I thought I chose my values with Love. I thought I chose them because I truly adore those values. But the truth seems to be something else. The truth is that I didn't grow up. I am still a child housed in a 80+ Kg body. I didn't learn from a messy divorce; or shall I say I didn't learn even after a messy divorce. I didn't learn even after living in the corporate world for these many years.  I took pride in being able to party with friends without alcohol while I should have been ashamed of it. Ashamed of not having learnt falsehood ; Ashamed of trying to be pure like a child even after my innocence was long lost. What did I think? That the world will believe me for what I am? That the world will respect my purity? The world doesn't seem to work that way. It wants to live in Lies and falsehoods. The world doesn't know how to embrace vulnerability and a person who can embrace his vulnerability is a misfit.

What choice(s) do I have? I really don't know. But it is Ok. The role model I chose in Life was shot. A genius like Einstein said of him, "Generations to come will scarcely believe that such a man ever walked on Earth." He was a failure in many ways. He wanted to be a successful lawyer and failed at it. He was a failed father; Yet his idealogical adversary titled him, "Father of the Nation." People like me don't know how to choose role models. I should have chosen hedonism over MKG; facade over Truth.  I refused to grow up. And I have paid the price.

List of books - 2019

I read the following books in 2019. Some books were started but couldn't be completed. So, those spill overs to be added for 2020.
Jan 2019
- Siddartha
- Sapiens
Feb 2019
 - The Old man and the Sea
Jun 2019
 -India Grows at Night
Sep 2019
  -The Little Prince
Audio Book completed(Month unknown)
   -Fooled by Randomness

PS: Month corresponds to when the book got completed.

The second grade

"Ha Lakshmana! Ha Sita! Ha Lakshmana! Ha Sita!"
The mimicked voice of Rama reached the ears of Sita and Lakshmana. Sita urged Lakshmana to go and search for Rama as he might be in danger. Lakshmana was reluctant to leave her alone as he was ordered by his brother to ensure her safety in his absence. Moreover, he knew his brother was invincible. But now, his sister-in-law is commanding him to go in search of his brother. She said terrible things which went deep into his heart and unable to bear them, he left the home in search of his brother.

What kind of a person are you Oh Lakshmana? Have you no shame or self-respect asked him an inner voice as he started walking away from the ashramam. First of all, you have no claim to the throne. Then when your brother is asked to go to forest, you accompany him. He has his wife to follow him and you abandon your own wife in the palace shamelessly. What life is yours? Born to serve forever? What are you? A spine less second life? Just because you were born a bit late? When you left everything to serve your brother where you have no stakes whatsoever, did you father shed a single drop of tear for you? He came lamenting on the charriot, crying and shouting - but that was not for you Oh Lakshamana. It was for your brother. You are a third born, second life. Just born to serve. Live like this forever and ever and ever.

"The battle is over Oh Suyodhana!" shouted Bheemasena. "All your army is gone and you are all alone. Now, come and face death!" he gloated with pride.
"Take this blood soaked land and rule forever till your time ends, I don't give a damn." said the Kuru, prince with all the equanimity he could possess. "I ruled it when all my friends, family, kith and kin were with me. I lived life like a king. I was born one and will die one. Who cares for your land? I wanted war and I had it. Why else would I not give even 5 villages when you sent an emissary pleading for peace. My pride is worth a million lives and I will die with my pride intact"

What kind of a person are you Oh Suyodhana! You did everything you could so that you could keep your self-respect in tact. Your best friend had a big claim to throne. Yet when he was offered it, he knocked it away with his left leg because you mattered to him more. What else do you want in Life Oh Suyodhana! You are a true hero. Born as a king, lived life King size and died as a king.

Man in the Mirror

The profile icon that I kept winks back at me every time  I look at it to seek consolation with the deep desire to see my younger self. The depths of the deep shit I am in,  stares right into my face suddenly. The lost years that were so much crucial for my well being which were grossly neglected - just like that; all because I was running after a mirage. The one thing that makes so much difference in Life (other than self-esteem) seems to have been lost and I stare at a future where I may never ever get it. Probably, I never had it in the first place. Yet here I am self-critical and self-contented.

Accepting oneself is the biggest achievement one can have. Only then can one can explore himself/herself to the farthest corners possible. When I had worldly success to a moderate level, I was not happy with my abysmal performance; I was under the constant self-propulsion that  I had a lot more potential than I exhibited to the world. I blamed myself for my laziness, my contextual settings, my silly decisions and my fickle mind which had too many interests(distractions) to pursue. It did not focus on what was relevant and I was angry at it. Here I am today, completely broken down in the worldly sense and wading my time because I have nothing else to do. I am constantly nagged by intense surges of pain. Yet, surprisingly to me, I am at my happiest self. I have learnt(or may be am still learning) to accept myself - with all frailties, faults mistakes and sins. It is a liberating experience.

True, I am growing a beard in vain hope that I may look younger. True, I have stopped tucking my shirt long back lest some one finds out how ugly my tummy is. The realization that I have lost the golden years when I was supposed to explore Life in a certain way and I never even had thoughts of doing that in my formative years will haunt me forever. True, Life is lived forwards and understood backwards yet you get only one chance. Yes! only one chance. The (Indian) theory which says you will be re-born is just rationalization to handle collective pain that comes from Humans not yet figuring out how to invert the time arrow or travel backward.

When reality strikes you it is crippling. Yet it is best to be crippled in the short run and learn to walk slowly without crutches for the long run. Here I am, self-critical and self-contented! After having accepted myself and having seen the biggest trough in my Life so far  of 33 years, I can only see upward. Not because I am an eternal optimist but because I have exhausted examining the list of possible outcomes for now.  Or probably not just because I am an eternal optimist but I am also a fighter. I will fight till I die. It is much better to fight and loose than to never having the courage to fight.

Scientific Temper and India

Disclaimer: I have grown up in India and live in India. Except for a 3 week business visit to a middle eastern country, I have not lived outside of India. Hence, I write this in the context of India from my vantage point but some of these things could be generalised and need not be specific to India.

                      ā no bhadrāḥ kratavo yantu viśvataha

                     ఆనో భద్ర క్రత్వో యంతు విశ్వతః 

                 May noble thoughts come to us from every direction.  -Rig Veda 1.89

It has been increasingly evident to me to that scientific temper is something lots and lots of Indians lack. I don't not consider scientific temper as a binary entity. It is not like you have it or you don't have it. Also, Science and Scientific Temper are both life long pursuits. It has been my experience so far that a person might be a scientist by his business card title and be publishing research papers in his area of expertise in this age and day of hyper-specialisation yet be lacking in scientific temper. The converse is equally true. I might have good scientific temper but may not be drawing pay-check in a field related to science. The former case seems to be even more rampant with technologists and other professions(politicians, celebrities, bureaucrats...) where people make tons of more money than the scientists and use their rational mind day in and day out, yet don't train their minds to a have broader world view(360 degrees) and pursue scientific temper.

Human society has progressed very very remarkably since the days of living in caves and the first days of inventing fire. Today, a lot of science, especially fundamental physics, is counter intuitive. This poses the first risk to promoting scientific temper where an everyday person doesn't seem to distinguish it from psuedo-science. I have seen a lot of otherwise logical people fall for psuedo-science. This stems from lack of scientific temper rather than lack of logic, in my view. A very accomplished physicist and a very dear friend of mine once told me that the Socratic method is one of the best methods of enquiry. I believe that Socratic method is very useful, handy and easy to deploy in recognising psuedo-science in whatever capacities possible.

The second tool deployed as a defence mechanism by those resisting scientific temper is the lack of understanding of the scientific method itself. Many seems to not understand the difference between a scientist and science itself. A scientist is a human being just like you and me. He/She comes with their own world view and biases. The scientific method constantly works to remove these biases while advancing Science. Scientific Temper also means that how you arrive at answer is as important as the answer if not more. It requires one to be open minded and change their world view as and when he/she acquires newer knowledge.

A third tool deployed against scientific temper, especially by vested interest groups to perpetuate superstition and/or psuedo-science is the lack of all answers. Firstly, question is more important than the answer. It is the foundation of critical thinking and as is the question so is the answer. Science (not necessarily everyone with a tag of scientist) has the humility to say, "I don' know." But then one can find many people who will sell you anything because your best tools have not given you certain answers. If you can't trust your best methods and tools but are willing to accept some one who says they have the answers, then either you are intellectually lazy or gullible or both.

To summarise, let us aim to promote Scientific Temper and Love and Humanness and make this world a better place to live. We are here because of tons of random things that happened. And just because it happened because of randomness doesn't mean it is not beautiful and not to be cherished.